Flying over bus stops

Back to another new school after my little getting to know where i live tour.

Strange school this one though although they did talk English here. The men had dresses on and collars round their necks. Yes it was to be my first foray into religion, that blessed comfort for some and the cause of turmoil and centuries of war for others. I myself am an atheist thank god, i talk to myself and give myself the answers may not be the right ones all the time, but it is what i have learnt to do thru little trust of others. So yes the school was a church one which religion i don't really know, not that that meant much to me , but there was lots of singing, praying and shushing to the noisy children by the men in black dresses. i can recall the beach and the sea out of the window so close to the classroom and yet so far away during lesson time. But hey the life of a child isn't meant to be all hard work is it. So when it was home time we couldn't get back to the children's home fast enough for tea. Why well, after your chores it was swimming trunks on and down to the beach for a swim, i can still recall it, the careers from the home all sat on their towels watching us, this group of children in front of them splashing around in the sea all excited. Even on the days we couldn't go to the beach we had another way of cooling down in the summer sunshine. We had our own tin bath in the garden filled with cold water. The type your great grandmother used to bath in every night in the house in front of the open fire. I had a photo of me in the tin bath my only one from my time in Hastings but unfortunately have lost it on my travels. From memory i can recall nice times in this home a feeling of belonging and really the first time i felt a part of a group, we all had meals together at the table and all had our own coloured napkins, plates and cutlery, plates and cups, which we had to look after or the fear of being put into the naughty book was threatened and that meant no swimming. So these small things became your pride and joy to look after. The carers were called sisters and i can only recall one man present in the house at all times but i think he was the main person of the house. As with many stories of children's homes that have come out thru the years since most have been closed i was too witness some abuse that was served upon some of the children by supposedly responsible adults and even my first witness of children abusing themselves. I was getting older now and i think i was beginning to realise that sometimes the way you think your life was quite normal as you put things you see to the back of your mind. When in fact it is really inst normal and shouldn't happen that way.

It was to be a short stop over in the care home in Welshpool, so short i cant really remember much of it at all. Where to now with my bag and my little purple car.

All i can say was it was another long and endless car journey who with i don't know but i arrived somewhere new and another house full of children on a hill in Hastings. Social services must like sending you on holidays as ive done a fair bit of moving around so far. I share a room with another five boys and there are another five girls who live here too. The place has a massive garden and best of all its by the beach. You can hear the seagulls all day squawking and smell the sea air. I do the usual Chris thing and try to fit in playing with the other kids, we all have meals together around a massive table and all have to join in with the chores of washing up after mealtimes. I have a little time to settle in before i start my new school, so i am taking around this new town and shown the sights. The beach , not a sandy one but a pebble one, with little huts all in a straight line and multi coloured. A big cliff with a railway coming down it, A pier heading from the beach into the sea, i had never seen anything like this and was dying to go on it. All you could smell while walking along the main front of the beach was candy floss and hot chips and there was so many people here, it was unnerving after being in such a small place in North Wales even frighting to see so many people and the noise wow, coin arcade music, the sound of money hitting slots and people shrieking with excitement at what they had won, and children's voices all happy at being by the seaside and having so much to do and see. I was taken to the cinema for the first time, i think i never took my eyes of the screen once i was fascinated at the huge telly in front of me, i haven't watched telly for ages and here is this huge screen that makes people look like giants. This is child heaven, i am doing things so new and exciting what a difference a car journey can make to your life. But its all cosmetic really , after all i don't know how long i am going to be here but to a child the seaside is such a great place to be and it will make up for a time for the holiday i was promised by my dad when i taken to North Wales. After all this fun and excitement i was having it was night-time i didn't like. Even when the other boys had stopped messing around or chatting away and finally got to sleep, i would still lay in my bed not able to sleep, why , too much noise, cars and people going past the windows on the road outside, sounds i haven't heard for ages while waiting to sleep and i miss the one comforting sound of the dog underneath me and the running river. But i am sure that little Mr adaptable will get used to it in time.

Well here i am before the next step of the journey.

I so far have lived with both my mother and father and have been taken away from both of them , so i guess parenting skills were not the best asset they both possessed. Although saying that life seemed more normal with the short time i was with my father as no physical abuse was present, maybe a little mental abuse from his childlike mind and used abuse for a purpose but nothing that i can say at the time remembering to have affected me in later life, only the question where was he for all those years. Where as with my mother well that’s a different story, lots of questions to ask why things happened and answers still to come forth to this day as the one that have been given just don’t sit well with me.
Well so far i have been in three different children’s homes and have had numerous carers and social workers. Schools well i cant remember how many but i guess my education academically has suffered and my social interaction with people has become misguided , after all who do you trust, who do you get close too. Childhood friends and people you should trust and look up to will be there one day and then i wont be the next or they will have gone themselves. So in real terms i must be one mixed up little lad by now, but i don’t recall it that way, its what i am used to, if you have never had the security of family and close friendships do you miss it if it isn’t there anymore. It would be something i would and still in a way carry with me part of my defence mechanism. But i do have times now to remember that were good and fun and one thing i can take take from living with my father in later life is my appreciation for wildlife and the great outdoors. Years later i would be drawn back to that place i lived with him and remember that place with some warm feeling. I would also visit many other places i have lived or stayed as a way of piecing together my early years where the memories were blurred by the not so important or eventful times.

But on i go now with the next part of the journey and wondering where and with who i will end up next.

Christmas.

The time for sharing and caring, love and understanding, the giving of presents and the smell of turkey cooking in the oven and the sound of excited children playing with their new gifts.

Not this one, it was about to be binned this year, why, well my fathers past was about to catch up with him and i was going to be going on a little trip not of my choice. I cant really recall if i was excited about Christmas, everyday day here seemed like it with all the snow and as mentioned before there wasn't really the feel of it in a caravan with no tree or decorations. All i can remember is being out in the snow in the forest playing around and then returning to the caravan to have something to eat and a two car,s one a police car that didn't belong were parked outside. My fathers wife was inside, a man and a woman and a policeman were there also. Lots of conversation was going back and forth between all these adults and my fathers wife looked pale and shaken. In later years again i was to find out that not only had my father been enjoying the non spectator sport of burglary, but he had also decided to rob a post office. So he was a man of many talents and he new one was to run and hide. The reason we were living in a caravan in the middle of the forestry was made clear to me then. But his time to pay for his crimes had come and he was now a hunted man and the trail was hot. So life for the few people who were close and around him was about to be shattered. So lets get them bag,s packed again, no need once again it was already done for me and i was told by my fathers wife that i would be going with this man and woman. So where too now who knows. Coat on, bag packed and a hug with tears for my fathers wife and a surprise of a small present in wrapping paper was put in my hands. Into the car and and on the way down the gravel track road once again ,will i see my dad again , yes i would because he would be hiding in the with Andrew watching to see when the coast was clear and i would spot him as i knew where he hid from many a time,s of his game of jumping out to scare you in the dark. So we passed him , his green eyes staring out form the undergrowth and that was that . Out of Corris and on the way to another place i didn't know. Where would it be , well it would be a care home in Welshpool an hour or so away. Would i be staying here now in this house full of children, after all they all seemed to enjoy it there , but it was Christmas and they had the nice things like a tree and decorations. I was taken to a bedroom and was sat down by a lady who told me i would be staying here for a little while as something had happened with my father and to try and enjoy my self as it was Christmas, so with me she opened up my present, what was it, it was a bright purple racing car, no card, no gift tag just the car. I was asked if i wanted to come downstairs and play with the other children, which i did but clinging onto this little car for dear life as if it was the only thing i had in this world, well in a way it was and to be honest i think the whole day had become a bit of a blur, confused and dazed with it all again. But at least tonight i will have something other than rabbit to eat, a warm bath and a warm bed of my own to sleep in and maybe just a few tears to get me off to sleep.

Winter was well and truly here , cold , cold , cold that's all it was day and night. Waking up in the morning all you could see was your breath infront of you and you didn't want to take the blankets off to get dressed.

No school so must be the Christmas holidays, not that you would know, no fancy shops in Corris with windows of tinsel and lights the village was too sleepy for that , just a post office , small shop and the slaters arms pub. This village died years ago when the mines closed down and became a very small blot on the landscape, most young people left to find lives and jobs elsewhere. But no Christmas really in the Caravan what with no electric, could have put a tree up but then just open the door look around and there's a whole forest of them, take your pick. What to do, river was frozen, ice on the slippery rock faces, so dad takes Andrew and myself rabbit hunting. The Jack Russell could smell them sleeping in the burrows and would flush anything out into the path of dad with his rifle. But on this occasion the dog picked the wrong hole and went into a badger hole wrong move on the dogs part. He went in and never came out, we heard what was the sound of animals fighting and ran towards the woods to see. We found it by the way the ground was all torn up and my dad realised what had happened. He took a look in and could see the rear end of the dog in the hole. Well all the small space training i had came into greater effect, yes he was told to crawl in and drag the dog out. Was i scared well yes, i didn't know what was in the hole, i had never seen a badger before , but believe me you wouldn't want to be cornered by one. They will kill most things while protecting themselves. I too could see the dog not that far away in the hole so did what i could and grabbed it by its tale and pulled it out with me, not a sound form the dog or a movement. When it was out, i had never seen such a horrible sight, its face had been nearly bitten off by the vicious attack of the badger and i remember it vividly as you would. Upset, yes of course i was , this little Jack Russell came with me everywhere when i went exploring , my one and only silent when not barking friend. The other dog was my dads, big like him , but the jack was my little dog in my head and if he passed away in the middle of the night well it wouldn't have been so bad, but to see your friend and companion like this was horrible. So we buried him in the field opposite.

That was the start of a Black Christmas and very soon it would be the end of my stay in Corris unbeknown to me.

The day visit was over and no more was said of it, not a mention of them again, almost like they never even came at all.

Back to the norm then, i was learning welsh, even though i was still behind in the classroom i was picking up more and more. Still no friends to go playing with after school, it was either straight back to grandmothers or the bus back to the caravan. I must admit i preferred the caravan as my grandmothers brother gave me the creeps, always trying to give you a kiss and saying come here. A horrible creepy man and like i have said before the features of Albert Steptoe. I spent most of the time hiding or trying my best to get outside to play to be away from him. Once in the car with my father he passed him on the side of the road as apparently he would beg for change from passers by on the only one road in and out of Corris. My father was talking to him and he spotted me in the back in the dark and was trying to grab me from inside the car saying give us a kiss, my dad was laughing as he thought it was funny i was terrified of the dirty old man. Life apart from that i suppose wasn’t that bad, but some things were made worse by the oncoming winter and the cold it brings. It get gets real cold in the mountains of North Wales especially if you have to bath in a rock pool when not at the grandmothers, did i forget to mention there was no shower or toilet in the caravan. don’t forget this wasn’t a haven holiday park, no fancy club house, electric or hot running water apart from what you boiled. Milk from under bridge of the stream , bathing in the rock pool when it was warm enough and yes the pleasure of going to the toilet with a piece of newspaper whilst hanging onto a branch of a tree while crouching over the flowing river and yes i did fall in sometimes, saves hanging on though. Oh yes the joys of caravanning and outdoor living, i felt more sorry for the dogs to be honest having to sleep out in it. I was lucky i had the blankets for the cold nights and it was cold. The first ever snow i remember seeing was in Corris and it was fantastic all the hill and tress covered white. Not the one inch of snow that seems to bring places like London to a halt these days , but masses of it , deep and soft and would last what seemed like forever, well the gritters cant get there to melt it all away, you would be lucky in the village to have any electricity if it snowed hard. It never stopped my dad though he was always up to something weather sun, rain or snow.

Up to no good mostly

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Can u see what I see

A normal day i thought.

The same routine Dogs barking first thing in the morning and me and Andrew go off into the forest to play. We make our way back for dinner and can hear strange voices, well i say strange but in fact they are English voices , you don’t hear many around these parts, not many people come off the beaten track to the middle of the forestry. But i recognise them, Its my mum, step dad brother sister and step brother. I must be going home i think. I don’t know how i feel about this, have i missed my mum, the answer has to be no, but i have missed my brother and sister. So we appear from the forest and the children all run up as kids do, my mum is there talking to my dads wife and my dad to his old best mate my step father. Mum says hello and asks if i am enjoying myself and i answer yes and she gives me a hug. My step dad picks me up and squeezes me , he was always nice to me so i don’t mind. I am told by my dad that i am going out for the day with my mum , so off we all get into their car and away we go. Out of Corris and up the main road past the old slate mine and up into the mountains. This is the furthest i have been in the daylight since i arrived here, up and up and then what seems to me then to be the steepest road you have ever seen. The road is in-between two mountains with a massive lake at the bottom, its amazing. over the top and we make the way down to a town called Dolgellau, a small town with tall grey houses in the shadow of a mountain called Cader Idris. We make our way thru the narrow streets and stop outside a house. Out we get , mum knocks the door and a white haired old lady answers, a great grandma and my great granddad and my mothers mum. Well again i don’t know these people but strange thing is the others do, but no surprise there. All i can really remember is playing in the garden and a photo being taken as i was busy with my bothers and sister. Before i know it we are back in the car and heading back the way we came, back into Corris, are we going to stop or go straight back to Kent. No we turn off and thru the village towards the forestry. Back at the caravan a cup of tea is had by the adults and then i,m beckoned and everyone hugs and kisses me and says goodbye. what’s going on, why are they going without me, too many questions for my young fucked up brain to handle. So i guess i,ll go back to Chris world once again and shut it all off, don’t get upset then do i. When i was older i would come to accept that i was picked up just for the sake of appearances, so my mother would not be embarrassed infront of her own family and have to explain that their great grandchild was in fact living about 15 minutes away from them without their knowledge and the reasons why. Pity she didn’t think about how a 8 year old boy would feel after they had up and left or wonder what mental scars it would leave on him. But thanks for the visit

The dark side was the side of my father i didn't know as it was a cunning way of abuse in a new way i had not yet met. Mental and selfish abuse, not physical as i had been used to, nothing in anger just planned and meticulous in its execution

I would now find out the smell my father used to come back to the caravan at night with. It was horse, yes the four legged kind, he kept one in an old deserted cottage further up the mountain in the forestry. The reason why, it was stolen and as again i would found out years later, so were most things. Yes i am not so proud to say that now I know my father was a thief, I didn’t then but no wonder he was awkward around people, in a small place like we where everybody knew you.

We would quite often go to grandma's to eat but at night time. Most of the time if we went out together it would be that time as well. I used to play a game with my father there where he would line up stools in various patterns and get me to crawl thru the legs of them and climb thru grandmothers small windows. Well yes a funny game but training for my role in my fathers night time activity's of the great sport of burglary. Yes a regular bill Sykes he turned out to be putting me thru small places and openings so i could open windows and doors. It again was a game to me at that age and the reward would be a pocket of coppers or a late night under the snooker table in some pub, while he played on the table and had his beer. I am glad to say that i didn't take his apprenticeship up in later life. I am not sure how long this went on for as the whole period i spent with my father was about 6- 9 months in length, the two week holiday that I was supposed to be on in the beginning with him was a distance memory by now. Although he never hit me or even if i can recall shouted at me, he had another way of getting his twisted kicks. He would often drop you outside of the forest and let you walk up the mountain path on your own and wait in the trees somewhere to jump out and scare you or tell you to cut through the village graveyard on the way back from grandmothers so he could do the same there. The worst was being asked to go and feed the horse. On a moon lit night the moon would make the trees have horrible shapes and faces and the sounds of animals and the wind really did scare the shit out of me and of course you were always waiting for him too. I guess that was his way of having fun, but not very nice for two young boys to have to run in fear waiting for it to happen. So those times stick with me as the dark side of the man.

Who is this man i am living with, what does he do, what is he like. Hard to sum up who my father is, he had not been around most of my life but here i am living in a caravan he calls home, why i found out again years later as i did with most questions i had. But the big man as i saw him, scary at times with his dark complexion and staring green eyes and hands like shovels and other times soft and gentle voiced.He always looked awkward around people if we ever went anywhere in the car, always looking around like a nervous fox. He was gone most mornings when i woke up , either off in a old white transit van or the pale blue ford Anglia. Most of the time he would take Andrew with him and sometimes the dogs, but what did he do for a living, i never worked it out. I never recall him hitting me or shouting at me, i heard him thru the curtain sometimes shouting at his wife and of course the grunt and groaning of them having sex at night, bit hard to escape from with just a piece of red cloth between you. He would often turn up with dead rabbits he would have shot, seemed to be our stable diet with huge amounts of potatoes and bread. His hands were always dirty , ground in dirt and oil and he had this kind of oily workman smell about him. I never recall him having anything on apart from either a tracksuit bottoms, boots and a jumper or a checked quilted workman shirt on like the lumberjacks have. He would always show you things if he was around, although he did not have academic skills he knew everything about the outdoors and would put Ray Mears to shame. I learnt what nuts i could eat of trees, how to treat stings from nettles and insects and how to tickle salmon in the nearby river, so for a young boy pretty exciting stuff really. I often say about the man you could give him a box of matches and leave him for weeks come back and he would have built a house from them. But still what did he do when he was not there and i was left either to go to school or play in the forest and the waterfalls, building shelters and hideouts of my own with Andrew when he was there. Evening times he would wander up the forestry track and come back smelling more than usual of animal, i would find out soon what the smell came from. We never had visitors to the caravan and occasionally a car would pass but would never stop, usually the forestry commission ranger as they had houses and their small headquarters at the start of the forestry we lived in. When a car was heard we were ushered into the nearest bush or in the caravan quiet as mice. Something wasn't right i hear you say , well i guess not but it was all a little game for me then and any other reason i never crossed my young mind.
So this man , i guess i never really did get to know him, there were so many secrets he carried around with him, he was just dad by name, no emotional bond as such just another man in my life , but on times would spend a bit of quality time with me. As time went on we spent more and more time together but that was for another reason and if i was a bit older and knew better i would realise what his job was.

I am walked into a classroom of children and shown a seat, the lady speaks english, then she goes to the front of the classroom and speaks Welsh to the rest of the class. I hear my name in what she says and the whole room turns round to look at me. Now i crawl into that big black hole that has appeared infront of me as you do when faced with a wall of embarresment. After a few minutes i think the curiosity for the children passed away and its back to business in the classroom. They all have books , me too now, not that i can read them, they are all in welsh and not a word of english is spoken. Great, im back in chris world , silent world , do i open my mouth for fear of what i say and how it will be taken world, so no i’ll sit here in my quiet place and wait and see. Well i am in a classrooom of children and not able to say a word to any of them or understand what they say to me.

Playtime is definatley over.

Breaktime comes and i go for the bottle of free milk that every child had before Margeret Thatcher stopped it for all us lactose lovers and i supposse i hide away in a corner, shy and somewhat nervous. Well the day passes and the odd word from the teacher is spoken to me in english and i am told she will help me learn to speak welsh. In real terms i am now the dunce of the class the backward one. But with everything else i have had to deal with in my small amount of years it will just be one more hurdle to jump over and i have done it before and will do again. I think that had become my way , sit and study others , mimic and like a chameleon just fit in. School time ends and back on the mini bus i get, i am glad this day is over, the bus does not take me to my grandmothers but up the forestry road to where the caravan is and out i get with all these faces from the bus window looking. I bet they all live in houses and wonder why is he being dropped off here. Back down the road the bus goes with a cloud of dust behind it and now i feel better , the dogs come to greet me wagging tales as usual. Then into the caravan , where my fathers wife is as usual, either cooking or sowing and listening to the radio, waiting for my father and her son to arrive back from wherever they go to during the day. She asks me how school was , i explain i dont know what people are saying and she says it will get better. Should i have guessed there and then that i was on no holiday at all, years later i realise that this secluded place i had been brought to in Wales was really where it all began, so back to the beginning i suppose a new chapter had began, back to my roots and new places and people to explore. Yet as always it wouldnt be the end there were always for me new beginnings.

What did tomorow bring, well it brought more of the same , playing in the river and the forest , no school, no beach or ice cream still but holiday all the same. Into the car and a small ride down the forest road along a small valley and into a grey village with small windy roads and not many people walking about, but there were people the first ones i had seen since arriving in wales. On thru the village and up a hill to a row of cottages and the car stops. We are at grandma’s house i am told. So ut we get and into this white cottage over looking a field with a massive river beyond that. I meet my grandmother. a very tall slim lady with jet black hair also and an older man her brother, scarey looking man, when i recall he reminds me of albert steptoe the same scruffy appearance and manner. Well this is my other family and more is too come , my fathers sister and her children. Once again i cant understand a word, everything is in welsh and getting louder as the voices all join in. All the children go outside and then later we are called in for tea. When will this holiday end, when do i go back to kent to my mum, brother and sister, to be honest i dont want to, im happy, im free, no shouting or screaming , no smacks or fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, all i know is when it gets dark its tea and bedtime, apart from that it is play , play, play. But where does my father go everyday till dark , where does he work, does Andrew go to school as he goes with my father sometimes, but i dont ponder too hard. I am having fun after all for the first time in ages , i have two more friends as well , the two dogs to keep me company, they follow me everywhere and every now and then a voice calls from the caravan that some food or a drink is ready. Do i want to go back to Kent, no and i dread the day as im waiting for it, but that day never comes, one week , two weeks, still no bag being packed. Another day, another play , then one morning im am told to walk to my grandmothers and wait to be picked up, still no bag packed, am i going home, no im not i am told , im going to school. I waitand along the road comes a little blue mini bus, full of children, in i go and the bus goes quiet, me thinking who are these children and them thinking who is this boy. Off down the road we set and a few minutes later pull into the school yard full of childrens voices. Playtime is over, now the real hard work begins.

If the words I’ve ever wrote
on the backs of envelopes
I could fold to paper planes
I would fly them thru your veins
Helicopters overhead
Wide awake at 3am
Now the ink runs to your heart
And you know just how I feel
Flying over bus stops and playgrounds
I’m here
Soaked right to the core
Stay here forever
I’m safe with you
http://www.youtube.com/user/Elfenpopo

Bang of the door and barks, The first sounds i hear, i open my eyes , where am i , then i remember and smell where i am. The caravan is empty but outside i can see my father his wife and Andrew and the two dogs. I get dressed and go outside, the little jack russel comes bounding up to me tail wagging, so i stroke him and he jumps up even more. My father is stood there a huge shape of a man to me, they are all talking welsh again but his wife says good morning. I can see the river, so no beach as i thought it would be. We are in the woods, i now know its called a forest but didnt then. I can see mountains and trees everywhere. Not one house in sight , just a little clearing by a gravel road where the caravan is parked, gas bottles and car parts and big plastic containers of water. Is this the holiday park, no its where my father lives in the middle of a forest in deep dark Wales. No cars , no electricity, no running water. What am i doing here if i am not on holiday, i was later to learn i had been duped once more . I am told to go with Andrew and he shows me round, So with have trees , trees and more trees, a little crystal clear pool behind the caravan and a waterfall above it, with a big face of white and grey rock next to it. He shows me where they keep the milk, the pool of water flows to an outlet under the road and ontop of a slap at the square exit is pints on milk and silver coloured tins with butter in them. Off to the river not a gushing torrent but, something you could get your car ove to the opposite side, there is a smell of mint in the air and i can hear cows moooing from a field on the opposite side of the river. We go back to the caravan and the smell of bacon and eggs is coming from the caravan. We all sit down for something to eat on where i was sleeping the night before, strange. Then my father jumps into the car with the dogs and is off. Andrew and me go off to play in the river wadding around following it upstream. In a way i guess i was on holiday but was unaware how long it would end up lasting. So after our little exploration of the river we just hand around the caravan messing around with rusty old car parts and then the night comes and its inside something to eat and then bed. Again all you can hear is the river flowing and the dogs moving underneath you, no toher sounds , no cars passing just the still of the night. So eyes closed lets see what tommorow brings.